Wouldn’t it be nice if you could chose what you’re addicted to? I wish I could be addicted to working out or something. Then whenever something went wrong, I’d want to exercise instead of cut myself, and I’d be buff instead of scarred.

Last night I dreamt that I was a leopard. I was out in the desert by myself, with only a few trees for shade. A jeep comes out of nowhere and a dad and 2 boys come out and I can hear them talk about how beautiful I am and how they want to come closer for a better look, and I’m thinking, “I’m a leopard. How are they not afraid of me? I could kill them all if I wanted to.” But they came up to me regardless. I was laying on my side, trying to figure out cat-like positions and movements to not seem weird. My back was facing these people when they come up and start touching my fur. They ooh and ahh in amazement, and I don’t really mind because I know I’m not a regular wild animal. I wouldn’t actually hurt them. But I figure I should probably give them a lesson in common sense anyway, so I get up and take a couple steps toward them and they basically screamed for their lives and ran back to their car and peeled off. I laughed hysterically for about 5 seconds, then instantly burst into tears because I realized I just ran off the only people around, and I was by myself and lonely.

I had to document this dream just because of how strange it was.

In 3 days, I will be si-free for 15 months. Pretty extraordinary. I only have a few visible scars, which is just amazing considering how many cuts I used to have. I just scrolled though my blog, looking at the old pictures I posted. I was so lost. And even though I still have my moments of urges and self hatred, I’m so much better than before.

Notes

a-bit-too-insane said: There is nothing wrong with needing some support. =) I hope you know how much of an inspiration you’ve been to me. You were the first recovery-oriented blog I found and you were the one who made me realize that recovery IS possible. Thank you ♥
tati-tattoo said: take deep breaths. remember people could see them. remember that feeling of guilt and disappointment in yourself that you’ll feel afterwards. i don’t know you. but you’re going to be okay. okay? maybe go outside for a break or something. change your perspective to break out…
diaryofacutter posted this

Thank you, both of you. I went outside and walked around my building or about 10 minutes and it seemed to help. My chest feels still feels a little tight from the anxiety but I’m doing better now. I really appreciate that you both took time to write me. You stopped me from doing something I would have regretted!

I hate to be needy, but some encouraging words would be extremely appreciated right now.

I’m siting in my cubicle, staring at scissors, just fantasizing about putting them to my arm. I don’t know how much longer I can stand working at a job that makes me seriously consider throwing away 14 months of hard work.

I don’t understand how I can be sitting at home, sad and bored that I have no plans, but knowing at the same time that even if I did have plans, I’d just stay home anyway.

You know those dreams you have once in a while that are so miserable and felt so real that you wake up feeling different? Like it puts you in a funk all day? I had one last night. I dreamt that I was kidnapped and was basically a sex slave for about 3 days until the cops came and arrested him. I have to keep reminding myself that it didn’t actually happen because I keep daydreaming about it and getting sad all over again. I hate that.

I wonder if you realize what this day is.

Had another si dream last night. Except this time I wasn’t cutting in it, I just had cuts all over my thighs on the sides, which is where I used to cut all the time. I don’t know why I was taking my pants off around people, but I was mortified when I discovered dozens of new cuts on myself. I’m quite annoyed that I’m still having dreams about it when I haven’t cut in a year.

I hate being at work. All I want to be doing is sleeping in my bed.

Well it’s here. It’s been an entire year since I cut. Here’s hoping for another year :)

Last night I dreamt about cutting. First one in a long time. It felt so real.. The sadness, the desperation, the conflict.. Everything. Even in the dream I knew that this month will be my 1 year mark and I had to make a decision whether to go through with it. I was weighing pros and cons and asking myself if it would be worth it cuz then I’d have to wait another entire year just to get back to where I am now. And I remember being frustrated that I was even giving it that much thought, and missed the days where I would just cut on impulse and didn’t give the consequences any thought.
I must have woken up before I made a decision since that’s all I remember. I wish I could have found out what I was about to do. Or maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t.

pixelatedb0obs asked: you're gorgeous and i'm so proud :]

thank you so much <3

on january 21st, it’ll be one year since i put a razor to my skin. one year.

i guess being busy really does help. i’ve already been at my new job for 6 months, and have been doing overtime pretty consistently for over 4 of them. the thoughts are still there, sometimes. the urges are there, but they’re few and far between.

who would have thought?

today’s been a weird day. got to work like normal except things felt really weird. our entire floor (which is about 5 different teams of people) all got taken into different rooms where they announced one of our managers died in a car accident. and seeing about a hundred people cry is something i’ll never forget. and my team’s manager, her mom passed away from cancer this morning, which only made everything worse. the whole place just kinda shut down. lead directors went around and told us all to log out of our phones and go home. not a happy day.